pondering summer

Another summer has begun. The hazy, humid days of another greatly-welcomed New England summer have arrived and as far as I can see they plan to stick around for the duration of the summer months.

As it happens each year, summer arrives with what I would call mixed emotions. There, of course, is the obvious elation due to the fact that our homeschool year has come to an end and with it the daily narrations, dictation exercises, grammar lessons, math drills and science blocks have also come to a gentle close. 

The arrival of this stretch of non-formal academic days comes as a thrill to both teacher and children alike, there is no doubt. Although at the same time there is a sadness, perhaps even a disappointment, that the grand summer we were all so eagerly awaiting isn't as spectacularly spellbinding as we had expected it to be. It's as if with one uniform sigh I can hear my children questioning, "Is this it? Is this summer"? And it is with an equally keen ear that I can also 'hear' their inner voices (yes, I can read my children's minds from time to time) ever-so-begrudgingly begging for more. 

It is with a bit of shame that I confess that my children have been half-captured by that worldly frame of mind that convince us humans to expect big things.. exciting things... sweet things on their summer vacations (where did the idea and practice of a summer holiday come from anyhow??). Because after all, it is summer vacation (did I mention that yet!?) and we all know that must mean a steady stream of fun-in-the-sun-ice-cream-everyday-spectacular-wet-and-wild-play-non-stop-pleasure (at least during waking hours) and perhaps even a scandalously late bedtime. 

So I'm left with several questions. What is it that my children are in need of this summer to give them a sense of purpose and a bit of recreational enjoyment? (I am shying away from words like fun and pleasure and entertainment here). And also, how can I as their mother-teacher help to retrain their way of thinking and direction of their will in this area of pursuing (mostly) pleasurable things and being sorely disappointed when more is asked of them?

These are indeed big questions!

And because I'm older, more realistic, quite contented to be at home doing beautifully mundane things (on most days), stubbornly resilient to being taken in by the world's messages of what ones' life ought to look life on this day or that day and also because I am maybe (only a tiny bit) wiser than they, I have also found my way to some small answers to these big questions.

I hope to share some of these thoughts this week here on my blog. In fact, I am eager to share what I have only begun to glimpse (and by only, I mean really over the last two or three years). The answers are simple but not always easy. They are inspiring but difficult to implement. And the solutions that our family values could be more likened to giving children their daily spoonful of cod liver oil and less likened to doling out a couple of sugar-laden, fruit-flavored, cartoon-shaped vitamins. The result is often hard to swallow but oh-so much more life giving.

But for now, a few photos from our superbly simple, perfectly sweltering, out-of-doors day from yesterday will be my joy to share.

smothered by praise

Last fall for our artist study, we enjoyed the six paintings of Pierre-Auguste Renoir. They were lovely and hung happily on our 'schoolroom' wall for the term along with one of my most favorite quotes from the artist that had to do with the idea that the only real reward for work is the work itself.

Our beloved Charlotte Mason held a similar belief and felt that children should be motivated by a naturally preserved curiosity and a love for learning rather than rewards and grades. She knew then what many modern researchers are now just discovering- that external motivators affect only the exterior, the short-term. To put it bluntly, rewards simply don't work.

This article, Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!", only confirms what so many others have already discovered. It was with mixed emotions that I read this, feeling simultaneously convicted and confirmed in my own behaviors and tendencies towards praising my children.

The author asks the reader to stop, look and listen and to notice how often we hear the words "good job" spoken from parent to child at almost every turn. I did just that and not only did I sit up and notice how often others around me are blurting out these words (almost unconciously, or as what the author refers to as a 'verbal tic'), but also how often I was turning this phrase in my own home.

I have become more mindful over the years of attempting to hold the space in my home with my presence and gestures and modeling of behaviors instead of issuing commands, praising, and talking, talking, talking at my children. This has been life-changing.

We have been in certain educational settings where children have been rewarded with candy and the like for memorizing facts, Scripture and for simply sitting still. It has never sat well with me and I can honestly say that we do not use these methods in our own homeschool and family life.

Perhaps because I have become so closely knitted to Charlotte Mason's methods of education that I knew better. Perhaps because I grew up in similar environments and it has left me sour towards such behaviors. Or maybe simply because my motherly instinct have told me otherwise.

Nevertheless, the article is worth the read, especially for those with small children. It seems to be that it is with these littlest of littles that we smother the most praise.

need for more 'Mother Culture'?

Believe it or not, I've not really had a vacation from home schooling this summer. I have spent time each day diligently and deliberately planning the upcoming school year for my three school-aged children. It is something that brings me delight and putting together a well-intentioned plan inspired by the educational philosophies of Charlotte Mason is something that I view as a privilege.

And while planing my children's education and choosing how I will nourish their minds and souls, I have not forgotten (the most important part of homeschooling and mothering) to nourish myself as well.

Part of the Charlotte Mason method is something she referred to as Mother Culture, which is simply a habit which the mother-teacher puts into practice to ensure that her own mind and soul are being well nourished and kept to the best of their abilities.

Now this is not what the 'modern woman' might perceive it to be. It is not simply indulging in time spent away from one's children and spouse to splurge on something that may add a moment of pleasure's to one's day nor is Mother Culture simply a 'night out' to temporarily strip away the responsibilities that being a wife and mother bring with it. No.

It is instead quite the opposite. It is an embracing of one's current reality, that of being a wife and mother and teacher, and relishing in the sheer delight that one is participating in the highest calling on earth. And yes, it truly is the highest calling!

And just how can one mother who is pressed for time, scant on physical energy and often sapped of mental powers by the end of the day carve out time to feed her mind and soul? Well, books of course! Anyone who knows Miss Mason's work knows how highly she regarded good books (living books, real books, quality literature). She referred to them as food for the mind and even extraviganly compared offering a wide variety of living books to one's child as 'spreading the feast' before them.

Here are Charlotte's own words on Mother Culture:

"There is no sadder sight in life than a mother, who has so used herself up in her children's childhood, that she has nothing to give them in their youth. When babyhood is over and school begins, how often children take to proving that their mother is wrong. Do you as often see a child proving to its father that he is wrong? I think not. For the father is growing far more often than the mother. He is gaining experience year by year, but she is standing still. Then, when her children come to that most difficult time between childhood and full development she is nonplussed; and, though she may do much for her children, she cannot do all she might, if she, as they, were growing!...

Is there not some need for 'mother culture'? But how is the state of things to be altered? So many mothers say, 'I simply have no time for myself!' 'I never read a book!' Or else, 'I don't think it is right to think of myself!' They not only starve their minds, but they do it deliberately, and with a sense of self-sacrifice which seems to supply ample justification.

Mother must have time to herself. And we must not say 'I cannot.' Can any of us say till we have tried, not for one week, but for one whole year, day after day, that we 'cannot' get one half-hour out of the twenty-four for 'Mother Culture?'--one half-hour in which we can read, think, or 'remember.'

The habit of reading is so easily lost; not so much, perhaps, the power of enjoying books as the actual power of reading at all. It is incredible how, after not being able to use the eyes for a time, the habit of reading fast has to be painfully regained...

The wisest woman I ever knew--the best wife, the best mother, the best mistress, the best friend--told me once, when I asked her how, with her weak health and many calls upon her time, she managed to read so much, 'I always keep three books going--a stiff book, a moderately easy book, and a novel, and I always take up the one I feel fit for!' That is the secret; always have something 'going' to grow by. If we mothers were all 'growing' there would be less going astray among our boys, less separation in mind from our girls...

A brisk walk will help. But, if we would do our best for our children, grow we must; and on our power of growth surely depends, not only our future happiness, but our future usefulness.

Is there, then, not need for more 'Mother Culture'?"  Volume III, no. 2 The Parents' Review

heavy

It's so hard to know sometimes.

Hard to know when to choose which battle to fight and when to turn the other cheek. When to enforce a house rule and when to give a little bend to it after a long day. Hard to know how to discipline each individual child so as to speak to their heart and not simply to the behavior itself. Hard to know how to express pride, disapproval and affection to each of these four, distinct, unique individuals in my care.

It is hard to know when to start training with a new habit and when to tuck something away for a bit until a child is truly ready. Hard to know when a situation is truly joyfully energetic or inescapably  chaotic. 

It is sometimes hard to know when your children need a companion outside of their family and when playtime outside of the family walls is simply a time and energy sapper for all. It is hard to know when one is overindulging a child or simply letting layers of love spill over into a sacred moment.

Sometimes it is even hard to say 'no' to the request for one more story (that one is a tough one, I'm not going to lie!).

But often times, the hardest thing is to know when true change and healing are needed in a certain situation calling for outside assistance and when to stay the persistent course with even more resolve, patience and love.

The degree of difficulty in some of these crucial- and not so crucial- scenarios differs for me from day to day depending upon my mood, level of fatigue, satisfaction with my own inner life, the weather and a million other outside offenders.

Being a parent can be so very hard at times. It is often the guessing and second-guessing throughout a day and over a week, month or year that can be so very taxing and depleting on a mother's self worth and sense of accomplishment in her family's life.

Experiencing these trials again and again have certainly brought me to a place of less confusion, less guilt and more joy about meeting the needs- and wants- of my children. But at times it still seems as if a decade has come and gone and there are still days when mothering not just one- but four small humans- may just be the weightiest, intimidating purpose on the planet.

my confession

I recently discovered a book that I now considered to be added to my list of invaluable resources, not only for homeschooling families, but for parents in general.

We have been a Charlotte Mason homeschooling family for over six years now and during that time I have made it my mission to read as much as possible about Miss Mason's philosophies regarding education, children and parenting. Many of her original writings are difficult to find and due to the Victorian prose in which they were written, even more difficult to assimilate at times (depending on the time of day during which I am reading them for me personally!).

Charlotte Mason believed that "Education is a discipline- that is, the discipline of good habits in which the child is trained. Education is a life, nourished upon ideas; and education is an atmosphere- that is, the child breathes the atmosphere emanating from his parents; that of the ideas which rule their own live" (Vol 2, p. 247).

In Laying Down the Rails, the author has brilliantly and gently put together bits and pieces of Miss Mason's writings regarding the importance of habit training in children. This book details more that fifty of Charlotte Mason's habits and pairs them with the corresponding excerpts from her writings. There are practical applications and questions for reflection at the end of each section as well.

After reading a few sections of this book upon our return from vacation Friday night, it seemed as if the scales were taken from my eyes and I was able to clearly and confidently see the habits that have been fostered well and sadly, not so well, in both myself and in my children. It was a defining moment for me as a mother.

It is so easy for me to lose the balance in home education, that is the balance between fostering and nurturing both the mind- through formal academics- and the spirit of the child- through character building, stories of saints, prayer and Scripture.

One of the struggles I face as a homeschooling parent is that of making an idol out of making sure that my children as up to par academically. At times it seems that the world is watching and waiting to see what my children know about history, what sort of math processes that have mastered and whether or not they are steeped in science experiences. Sadly, we have even been questioned- both the children and myself- about whether I have a teaching degree and what 'grade' my children would be in if they were to transfer out to school.

In an effort to put forth my best effort to emphasize the SCHOOL in homeschooling, I fear that at times I have taken off and set aside my hat as mother-teacher and instead dutifully donned my cap as schoolmaster in an effort to teach my children all that they should know academically.

Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of heart and soul in our home. There are times at which I see the tenderness and kindness between sibling pairs and know deep down that I have gotten it right, that my children are putting others before themselves and that love does truly conquer all.

But there are also times when I have been quick to overlook an offense that needed correcting, a chore done sloppily or a harsh word exchanges between brother and sister in a selfish effort to keep the proverbial ball (of education and lessons during our day) rolling.

Ugh. What a shame I have had to face in this realization of putting my children's minds above their hearts. For this is not the desire of my heart and I know that no matter what level math book my children are working in or how much rich literature they are being read nothing can take the place of a solid character.

So there you have it, my confession.

Honestly I am overwhelmed by all-encompassing task of watching over my children's hearts, souls, minds and bodies. How can one possibly cover all those basis!?

I know that one cannot and that  I must trust and depend daily and even momentarily on the power and strength that my Father extends to me. For it is He who has entrusted me with these precious children and I believe that He intensely desires to see me not tire of doing good with and for them.

giving

Today was beautiful and my family worked hard to make it that way. There were spectacular moments mixed amongst the mundane ones. I still washed clothes, prepared meals, swept floors, watered flowers, fluffed pillows, changed diapers, wiped tears, scolded my children, and bathed and bedded a wailing toddler. But these aspects of my life are merely reminders that I am living the full, home-centered life that I am striving to live.

Filled with so much emotion today in regards to friendships and how they too are like little gardens- requiring tending, watering, weeding and pruning. Now I have a daughter who has come of age in that realm and is figuring these truths out for herself as well. So may lesson learned in the teaching of them! For it truly is far better to give than to receive.

  

 

blooming

So tomorrow I turn 35. I rarely post photos of myself on this blog because typically I am the one behind the lens. This afternoon Nicolas put a red rose that he had just picked from our rose bush behind my ear and I just felt so beautiful and loved.

 I am reminded each day of the blessings I have been given in this life not because of any merit or attainment on my part, but simply because they are what makes life beautiful.

Part of keeping this blog is my effort in showing myself what a beautiful life I have indeed. The ability to pick and choose what I share here has a tremendous ability to lend itself to the craft of creating a beautiful life regardless of one's reality.

The truth is that my life actually is perfectly and authentically beautiful. There is order, simplicity, health, joy, love, sorrow, pain, dirty floors, life lessons, good food, good friends and a home-centered life that all makes it perfectly and entirely breathtaking.

Over the years I have learned the art of looking ahead and seeing the big picture. I have trained my mind, my heart and my soul to see beyond the here and now.

Living 'in the moment' seems to be a current cliche that is encouraged in our culture. There is certainly something to be said about cherishing each moment.Paying special attention to the here and now can have a tremendous ability to heal, encourage and cheer.  But in the end I believe that it is the ability and capacity to believe in what the future will bring that keeps one 'going' in this life. We all need to know why we are 'doing what we're doing' and be able to draw upon that knowledge to build a vision and a goal for ourselves, our families and our homes. Again, it is in the striving.

It is no easy task.

So tonight, on the eve of my 35th birthday, I celebrate all that I have been given in the life and all that this little, beautiful garden of mine is perpetually blooming into each and every day.

mother culture

Mother Culture. A beautiful phrase coined by Charlotte Mason referring to the idea that a mother has the duty to form her own culture that meets her specific needs; a culture that feeds her own mind  whilst educating, caring for and nurturing her own family. It is not only a beautiful phrase and a noble idea, but it is also a blog authored by the beloved author Karen Andreola.

A few years ago, I wrote about the ways in which I had created my own Mother Culture. It certainly changes with each season and phase of my life- depending on the time of year, my energy level, the amount of free time I have on hand and the specific interests and goals that I have on my mind.

Karen's book A Charlotte Mason Companion was instrumental in inspiring me and informing me to choose to give my children a CM education. This book was written from the point of view of a mother with a heart turned towards giving her children the very best in life. These ideas are beautiful and are not limited by finances or where a family is living geographically. So very inspiring.

As I stumbled across Moments with Mother Culture tonight I felt a swell in my throat and a tear in my eye as I read about this family's journey and how the 'children' are no longer children any longer. When Karen wrote her book, her children were small and at home and living peacefully and safely under their mother's wing. Now it seems they are grown and have families of their own... what a legacy!

all is calm, all is bright

Christmas is near. We are taking several weeks off from homeschooling to prepare for the season and to simply relax and interject many more creative, leisurely moments into our day.

Today was our first would-be school day turned holiday.

After breakfast, chores and of course, a load of laundry, we headed out for a morning of errands. After making an exchange at our local hobby shop, getting my eyeglasses repaired and visiting the craft store for pretty paper, holiday stickers, craft sticks and a dozen bars of Ghiradelli chocolate, we returned home eager and ready to get working on our projects.

Bliss was felt today as we welcomed the ability to keep our books on the shelf and get straight to work with our hearts and hands!

At the end of the afternoon we had split-wood swords with wool strip handles, a dozen holiday bookmarks and a very large rectangle of peppermint bark to show for.

Our rewards were tangible, edible, recreational and useful.

While Luca napped and the other children set off to play with their new creations I had the luxurious opportunity to sit down to collect my thoughts after lunch. The ability to simply be and regroup in silence was a holiday in and of itself to me.

Just sitting down to do one mundane thing at a time today made me feel so balanced and accomplished. The much-needed phone call to our sanitation department to request that the leaf bags be picked up, a check sent out as a contribution to the swim coach's gift and an online purchase of some of my very favorite woolens to give as a gift to my boys- these were all that was required to feel useful, competent and in control.

I could feel myself teetering on the edge of competence and pride as I sat back and admired my accomplishments- simple, cut and dry, externally focused and uber satisfying.

Motherhood and homemaking isn't always like this. Most of the time the tasks that are asked of us are the polar opposite of external and simple. We simply cannot right-click on the needs of our children and home and expect them to be neatly packed up and shipped out.

There is no real beginnings and ends. There are many needs that never get that 'check' at the end of the day. It often feels like we are not accomplishing much of anything because the nature of our work is fluid, continuous and constant- a journey and not a series of scheduled stops.

At times I feel like the nature of my work is unfair and that I am unfit to fulfill my duties.I foolishly believe that it is a reality to be swooping from one task to the next, from one child to the next with a sense of easiness and the ability to let every challenge in life simply roll off my back.

There is guilt at times, sometimes defeat and more often than not a questioning of if I am doing enough.

And even in this season of Advent when spiritually all is calm and bright there is an underlying tone of vigilance and fullness of life (not 'busyness'!) for mothers that make is difficult to remain calm and to be that bright light in our homes.

I often make the mistake of believing that I must throw off that shawl of work, toil and responsibility in my life that I so eagerly and humbly accepted over a decade ago- if even for a moment- in order to become 'calm and bright'. But I now know that the reality is that our Father is calling me to cover myself fully under the warmth of this layer of life and embrace all the aspects of this life in order to fulfill my calling. And in this striving and embracing a true peace and light can then shine through me in order to bring a sense of calm and bright to my children, my home and my family.

the true tasks

So one of the things that really struck me while I was away on our trip was that there is such a strong need for setting the tone and keeping the rhythm in my home on a daily basis. There is very little time to let down and let go.



I always feel like if I 'miss a beat' during our daily routines that something or someone will end up suffering in the long run. I realized how regimented I have become about certain things in my family life- going to bed with a clean sink no matter what, having my kids take their shoes off any time they enter the house, being on time with meals and bedtimes- and question which ones are vital to the functioning and wellness of our family and which ones are draining me of time and energy and joy.

For the most part I believe that having a time and a place for everything is vital to family life- especially home schooling family life with four children. But I am seeking to find the small places where a bit more joy, spontaneity and leisure can be had.

Again, it seems to all come back to the idea of balance. I am not sure I really believe in 'balance' as the world sees it. You know, the kind where you mix equal parts of work, family and 'me' time in and voila, you are left with a fabulous life.

I think that this sort of balance has more to do with the ebb and flow of the day for mother and children than the overall 'big picture' of a harmonious life.

I kept asking myself how I could bottle up all of the simple, quiet moments and bouts of really being in the moment while I was away on our trip and take them back home to bring into my life as a mother and wife and thought the answer would be easy and breezy (just relax and have fun or just smile more, right?!).


But it's not. It is about being even MORE disciplined and making even tougher choices about how I will spend my time. It is about true priorities over perceived priorities and what really lends itself to the joy, health and peace of my children and home.

I have to ask myself what myself and my family truly needs. It is a tough question no doubt and I am not sure I even have the courage to ask it just yet.

But I think that it will be a lot like choosing to put down my basket of laundry to sit on the floor and play the memory game with my five year old when he asks me to and really listening to my eight year old when he is explaining all of the slight variation in the sword handles he has drawn in all ten of his sword sketches.

I love order (let me say that again- I love order!) and am so very task oriented that I tend to make that the focus of my day all in the name of meeting the needs of my children. But isn't meeting my little ones' needs for emotional and physical connection with their mother a far greater and sweeter task than simply focusing on their physical, outward needs?

Don't get me wrong. I am super big on cuddling up with and kissing my children each and every day. Not a morning goes by where the words I love you are not heard four times by the time breakfast is finished.

But again, I am talking about the big picture and the inner working of the mother here, not just the outward gestures.

It is indeed and I know that deep down inside. But sometimes it is just so much easier to fold laundry than to really listen or to put plans my plans for an afternoon of errands aside for a chance to run in an open field.

But for now, instead of tackling it all at once, I will focus on the true, small tasks working to bring a bit of ease and joy back from the West Coast into my little East Coast home.

luca is one

Our baby turned one today. It literally seems like we are still reeling in that new baby-overjoyed-swooning stage one year later!

I think it has everything to do with three older siblings who haven't stopped doting on him since last May when he became 'one of them'. They adore him, protect him, feed him, carry him, wrestle with him, tickle him and scold him when he interferes with their play! True love indeed.


I have no original words to share tonight. No life lessons on infancy. Nor will I share Luca's birth story like I had thought about. Instead I will simply sit here tonight humbled and revel in the miracle of human life, growth, change, love.

We love you Luca. You are a constant 'light' in our home each and every day!

nest eggs

This is what we found over the weekend carefully concealed and nestled in our bush out back. I have seen this mother robin working steadily each day bringing bits of twig and grass to build this golden nest to create a safe haven for her new baby to be born. It was amazing to see the fruits of her labor up close and personal today. And I just cannot stop thinking about this unfolding animal miracle already in process occurring merely feet away from our own human world.


Ironically enough we had just spend the morning coloring eggs of our own- some even a close resemblance of that classic and cheerful 'robin's egg blue' that we spied in our yard.

The egg. Such a symbol of life, hope, new beginnings, warmth, love and selflessness. Once it is laid, pure instinct must take over to protect, warm and grow that egg into the life that is planned inside of it. There is no other thought, motive or drive present in the body, heart and mind of that mother bird than to nurture.

I was contemplating motherhood this morning fresh out of the shower and was imagining an egg- with its layers of smooth, fragile shell and slippery, solid white protecting that inner golden life in the center, the yolk- as a symbol of my life as a mother.

And deep down inside the center is immeasurable joy and purpose. So many times I feel that joy spilling out of the center and seeping through the cracks of responsibility and hard work that mothering young children requires. And at other times I can hardly remember that there is anything deeper and more valuable than a flimsy shell. That yolk is the richest most vital part- the utmost nourishing and purposeful portion of the egg, and yet it is hard not to let the outer coverings conceal or keep that center from being felt, seen tasted in the everyday moments of each day.

And so I am attempting to savor the smaller moments of the day and trying to capture my thoughts and emotions and keep them true to my vision. I am taking the time to step back and observe the little bits of our day that I know are the fruits of my labor and the result of my instincts winning out and feeling oh-so good about all of it.

march

"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." -Charles Dickens




The first of March. A welcome day in our home. So much anticipation turning that calendar page and bidding February adieu! February could be called the overwhelming month (playing off of this blog post from the Parenting Passageway) for me. It was filled with bitter cold days, a serious lack of outdoor time, illness, a lack of time spent with friends and family in an effort to contain our illnesses, loss of valuable school time, sleepless nights, feeling overwhelmed and rundown and ended again more illness. I am so ready to move on.

It was also the month that our baby starting needing to be held nearly all day and night. Between teething, illness and new developmental stages, our little one just needed the extra comfort of nursing and a parent's arms in order to go to and stay asleep. I have to acknowledge how difficult this has been for me. It's been really difficult.

Caring for sick little ones is never easy. It requires loads of physical, emotional and mental strength. To keep the joy alive in one's home during a time of illness is no easy feat. Many days and nights were filled with fear simply not knowing what the next hour or day would hold. I found myself asking 'Who next?', 'What next?' and 'How will I?'.

And here we are at the start of March, healthy again, but such a feeling of loss for me. Looking back I know that in the midst of caring for and nursing my family back to health I neglected my own health and managed to ignore stoking my own inner flame. It showed up in many subtle ways. And then there were the times when it made an awful big appearance.

Just feeling the sun, watching the melt, seeing one of my children manage to scrap up the year's first mud pie oh-so proudly and seeing that new page on my calendar has given me the first of many bursts of hope and inspiration that I so desperately need to get myself where I need to be.

Blessed March!

getting my bearings back

So it seems that this week winter and homeschooling and mothering four young children finally took its toll on me. After weeks of being surrounding by mounds of snow, mounds of laundry and a house full of energetic and joyful children my energy levels and emotional health took a turn for the worst.


Don't get me wrong. It has been a lovely month so far. There have been many beautiful moments in our home in the past few weeks- an anniversary celebrated, a lunch out at a vineyard tavern alone with my husband, a holiday filled with love to share and many simple moments that have exceeded my expectations and really humbled me.


I always know when it is time to take a break from home schooling when I start daydreaming about sending my children 'out to school'. This week's fantasies included freshly mopped floors minus muddy bootprints, finally being able to see the bottom of the laundry hamper sitting still and hearing nothing but the deafening sound of silence only for a moment and having dinner prepared at a proper dinner time.

So I finally set my 'mother-teacher' role up on the shelf for a bit and simply returned to my role as 'mother'. The simplicity in that! 'This I can do' I thought to myself as I moved furniture around today to clean the floors, dusted cobwebs from windowsills, allowed my boys to build towers as high as our ceilings, held my baby as much as he wanted me to and fed my children sliced fruit and cubed cheese to their hearts content.


While the books sat idly on the side tables, coffee table and book shelves we all felt a renewed sense of togetherness. Family life is what this homeschooling journey is all about for us. It is not simply about feeding a part of the whole- the mind over the body or soul- it is about going about life as a complete human being and learning from it... together.

It was clear that my state of unrest, discontent, irritability and lack of focus was taking its toll on the children. I have read about the mother acting as the sun or a beacon in a family, guiding and lighting the way for the children and it simply rang so true with our family this week. When my light is dim, my children seem to lose their own way. It creates a terrible cycle within the home and it just self-perpetuates with no end. No one is skipping joyfully through life, only taking tiny steps on a floor full of eggshells.

So this week I was able to break the cycle. I don't know that we will be back to full schooling tomorrow. All I know is that I am on my way to getting my bearings back, relighting my flame and being the person that I want my children to look to with full confidence, feeling assured knowing that they are well within their mother's care and that there is peace within their home.

preparation

It's been so long since I've visited this space... my little blog!

It seems that every spare moment is being used these days and there is hardly any time for reflection, creating, writing, baking, cleaning, visiting, reading, knitting or other worthwhile ambitions of mine.

Our baby has been sick with his third cold. He also had a night of bad croup this week. I am running on very little sleep and have been really working hard to stay the course with the essentials- feeding my family, keeping up with laundry and homeschooling.

Yet amidst all of this 'being needed' and having little to no time for myself, I am feeling peaceful and content during this Advent Season as we draw closer to Christmas.

I have been blessed with some really encouraging people in my life and a husband whose heart is first and foremost turned toward our home despite his new beginning outside of our home. It is my saving grace on the days when I can hardly think straight.

Tomorrow we finish up our homeschooling and begin our Christmas break. It is much-anticipated and needed by both the children and myself. In the past I have taken the entire month of December off from formal schooling and am really seeing now the worth in that decision.

Next week we are looking forward to a small Christmas party for the children, the baking and making of our yearly gingerbread cookies (and mobiles) and our first time with peppermint bark, visiting with friends, lounging in our pajamas until our hearts are content, day-long serenading by Christmas music and of course, Christmas itself.

It feels really simple this year... Christmas that is. I haven't had any time to fret over the details and am just thankful for the holiday itself.

I hope to be back here soon with some bits and pieces about our first week of vacation, our current winter book list and a few photos as well.

Christmas blessings to all of my friends and readers!

six months

Luca is six months old now. So much has changed over the last few months. Our baby is thriving to say the least. I am enjoying each and every day because I finally have the proper perspective on infancy and know that these days go by so very fast.


Luca is crawling. He is sitting. He has two teeth and is currently working on a few more. Our baby loves to keep up with his older siblings during the day and stay close by his mama at night tucked safely under her 'wing'. He naps well during the day yet despises his crib at night. He endured his first cut tonight after toppling over into the corner wall in our kitchen.

He is eating a bit of food. So far he has enjoyed bananas, raspberries, apples, pears and oranges. Also eggs, avacado with olive oil and sea salt and a bit of mashed bean. Then there was the dot of sauteed spinach and onion, the pleasure of sucking on a cucumber with sea salt, the gobs of baked sweet potato with pastured butter and the bits of sharp cheddar cheese tonight while we all ate our black bean and chicken chili.

Oh, and he sips water very successfully from a small glass after his 'meals'.

As you can see I am not following a typical 'intro to solids' diet with our baby that starts with rice cereal and then leads into fruits, vegetables and eventually proteins. I am feeling really confident that as long as he is eating whole foods that he will continue to thrive.

I have been careful to follow his lead and to feed more when he 'asks' and to stop when he turns his head or keeps his mouth closed. None of this 'just one more bite' stuff. My goal is not to fill his belly so that he will sleep longer at night. Nor is it to make the steady climb to the eventual eats-more-food-than-he-nurses stage so that I will have a bit more freedom during this stage. My purpose is to continue nourishing him as his needs change and grow so that he can become all that he needs to be.

This week I plan on starting him on cod liver oil and really focusing on some good proteins like egg yolk, some (really local) venison and his first taste of turkey this Thursday.

With that said, I think that this will make an excellent Christmas gift for our baby!

we bloom here

Last winter during my pregnancy with Luca I had the luxury of free time. Although I was mothering three young children and homeschooling at the time, none of my three were babies or toddlers. Children who sleep through the night, dress themselves, feed themselves and are capable of their own personal care (save a few nights a week where I trim nails, 'go over' brushed teeth and floss those little teeth meticulously) translates into a lot more downtime for a mother to read, knit, write, sew, socialize, ponder life and do whatever else she wishes to do without being quite so 'needed'.

During that time I was blessed enough to be able to read several books, blogs and articles which have really offered immense amounts of insight, encouragement and inspiration along with spurring me on to focus more intently on my purpose in life and to be able to formulate mentally what my true core values are.

One of these books was Mitten Strings for God- Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry by Katrina Kenison. I was wise enough to make several journal entries as I read this book and to write down, ponder and eventually journal about those sentences, thoughts or chapters that struck me as wise and really spoke to me.

The chapter on 'Balance' is what I spent most of my journal entries on. Kenison writes:

" 'With our pitchers we attempt sometimes to water a field, not a garden' Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote. How easy is it to find ourselves sprinkling droplets over a field, spreading ourselves too thin, giving without replenishing, accomplishing nothing of real value. And so I strive to keep my garden small, but to care for it joyfully and well. We bloom here."

This image of my life as a 'garden' will stay with me forever. How often do I overextend myself only to be left shaking my watering can in hopes of getting just a few more needed droplets of water out only to be ultimately left standing a dry and thirsty field. In the end, I am left angry, frustrated and depleted at having neglected my own small garden and to disappoint those around me. What a lesson!

She also encourages the reader to make a list and to think about our own days and weeks; to take a long hard look at our schedules, routines and rhythms. She asks us to ask the tough questions about how we are spending our time, what we love most to do (and if we are actually doing them!), what activities and obligations 'steal' our time, what undertakings are getting in the way of the simpler life that we wish you lead and to ask our selves what emotion is leading us to do the things we do (obligation? fear of being judged, left out or because our children are begging for them?).

I took the time to answer these questions and find myself, nearly a year later, still pondering them and attempting to dig deep and be brave about living an authentic life.

I am still striving each day. The journey to balance all that God has blessed me with is no easy feat but is valuable and worthy enough to demand my full attention along the journey.

A very wise and humble friend recently gave our baby a handmade gift with a card attached that read

'Like me, this gift has imperfections- but comes with lots of love'.

To me this really captures the essence of motherhood. There are no perfect mothers. No perfect families. No perfect children. But if we are living each day out of love then those imperfections and inadequacies become part of the rich thread that weaves and holds our beautiful lives together.

our baby in a nutshell

I don't know how this all happen, but our baby got his first tooth on Thursday and has started scooting around the house. I blinked and Luca is nearly half-way through his infancy. Bittersweet for sure.



Since he is nearly six months old, I have started thinking seriously about introducing solids. I think he is ready for something in addition to breastmilk and has started 'asking' for our food while we are sharing family meals, grabbing at my hand to try and get a taste of what I'm eating and got frantic the other day after I gave in and let him suck a bit on my apple core. All signs of readiness indeed.

So I've started re-reading Real Food for Mother and Baby in an effort to give myself a refresher on what to offer for some first foods (sadly after feeding three other infants and having a degree in nutrition, I still feel I need the guidance of a real authority on feeding my children) when we start solids in a few weeks.

I simply love this book and it's take on nutrition, myths about an infant's needs for pureed-only foods and- my favorite- a story about a group of babies who were given free reign to choose what type and the amount of food they wished to eat at every meal. It is a study not to be missed and has confirmed my belief about the body 'asking' for the foods and nutrients that one is deficient in.

And since he is growing so very fast, he has gone through nearly all of the clothing I assumed he would be in for a year, including all of his wool diaper covers that we purchased before he was born. I didn't expect or plan to make three purchases of diaper covers but that's just what we've done over the last six months (ouch, my wallet felt that one). Although I had a few ideas about making my own diaper covers in the end I just had to bite the bullet and purchase them rather than make them (although today he is wrapped in an old wool sweater with his legs through the arms and the rest of it 'tied' around his waist- seen in below photos).

So here is to our little Luca who is still melting hearts around here and moving quickly through his first year of babyhood.

sick

Last week threw me for a loop. What started out at as a stuffy nose two Friday mornings ago turned out to be an awfully first-time infected ear for our little Luca.

Needless to say, after five out of six sleepless nights, carefully timed doses of pain medication, everything from garlic, olive oil, onion juice and breastmilk in his ear and finally, the dreaded pink stuff, our little babe is back to his normal state of health.

Losing sleep is one of my top fears. It tops my list right up there with the family-wide stomach bugs and a disasterously messy house. I went from a state of tired, to exhausted to walking-zombie pretty fast and spent more time pacing the floors of my bedroom than I have in the five years we have lived in this house.

Most of the time spent rocking our sick baby was spent dozing off and dreaming of a full recovery for Luca and sleep for me. In between however there were amazing moments of stillness and prayer in which I was able to commune with my God more deeply than I have in a long time.

It was amazing to have my heart and mind opened to all that He had been trying to show me for a long, long time. It was humbling, overwhelming and freeing all at once.

I spent last week parenting supernaturally because it was certainly not by my own might that I not only endured the day but actually celebrated it. My children did not miss a meal and even continued with their schooling during that time. It was a miracle.

It was not without the prayers and practical help of some dear friends who came to my aid and helped with my children, loaned me medical equipment and sent loads of encouragement my way.

Why is it that we often grow the most during the challenging times?

How is it that something so trying and tiring can encourage us to dig deep and ask the tough questions in life that require that very energy that we are trying so desperately to regain and reserve?

Can we really stay loyal to the lessons once the tough times pass?

a farewell to summer

Homeschooling is not something that I write about nearly as often as I think about it. Over the years our choice to home school has changed from simply a venue of education for our children into a full-blown life-changing way of life.

To school one's children at home is a choice that is farther reaching than one can ever fathom at the time the decision is made. It is not easy at times. There is always that week during mid-winter where I just want to quit and start thinking about calling the principal of our local elementary school to see if what there policy is on admitting children three-quarters of the year through.I t encompasses everything that one's family does throughout the day and occupies the mother's mind, heart and hands most hours of the day and night.

I must admit that I am one to pride myself on being put-together and organized. Chaos is my worst fear and I crave a simple, beautiful atmosphere in order to do even the most mundane of tasks. My need for order and cleanliness is very high and is something that I struggle to keep in check daily so as not to make it an idol in my life.

Most days I fail at this miserably. I choose to sweep my floor instead of sit on the steps and watch my children swing carelessly and proudly from the limbs on our front lawn tree. I push myself to squeeze in a load of laundry during most waking moments of my day even if it means walking away from a four-year with whom I am sharing a morning snack. And it is with shame that I admit to more often than not cleaning my children's drips of oatmeal off the counter as-they-go instead of waiting until the end of the meal to do a proper one-time cleanup.

As I journey through this week- our last official week of summer- I am filled with mixed emotions as we draw closer to 'the first day of school' next week. Feelings of pride swell as I think about how we are beginning our fifth year of homeschooling and mix with glimmers of confidence and competency over how amazing my children are. I also feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety and doubt grow. There are so many question marks.

How will I manage a fourth grader, a second grader, a four-year old and a three month old all at once?Whose needs will I choose to meet when more than one will inevitably arise at once? How will I manage all of those wonderful readings if our baby wakes up from his nap earlier than expected?

There are so many more where these came from and I know I am not the first to ask them.

I know that these questions will begin to answer themselves as the hours, days and weeks of our school year unfold. I told myself that I would remain open to the possibilities and accept whatever this new phase of life-with-a-baby brought our way and I vow to stay true to that promise.

For now I am focusing on what matters in life. Choosing to value the life lessons that we will all learn along the way. After all, what is more important and vital to this homeschool experience? Is it quantity or quality? An organized, driven mother or a gentle, patient one? Is it getting to each and every lesson I have planned each day or is it learning to be flexible, prioritize in the moment and learn how to make a 'plan b'?

I am just so thrilled to have the opportunity to be with my children for yet another year. It is a mother-teacher role that I am assuming here and not the other way around. I am the anchor here and all eyes are on me to see how I am choosing what is best in each moment. Certainly big shoes to fill. And even though there are question marks about the details, the big fact remains that I love my children fiercely and will strive to choose what is best for them, for us each day during this journey.

{Stay tuned to hear more about our homeschooling journey, photos from our first day of school (a tradition around here!) and to hear about some of the books we will be reading}