anticipation

We had our ultrasound yesterday and are so thrilled to announce that our baby is healthy and forming perfectly. I nearly forgot how lengthy these visits are- a darkened room filled with anticipation, silence and lots of warm gel on your abdomen as a stranger pokes and prods your stomach measuring and scanning your tiny baby's entire being.

In the end, a sigh of relief is had as you learn that every organ, bone and part of this baby has miraculously formed as it should have. It is astonishing to me to see how this little human life has formed so perfectly and fully inside of me- an imperfect person. A truly humbling experience.

We also decided to take a little peek and learned that this new baby is a BOY!

There is so much excitement in our house as the vision of this new little baby is becoming more of a reality. I can hardy believe that I am nearly half way through my pregnancy. And has experience has taught me, I know that the weeks will continue to pass as quickly as they have thus far. Before we know it May will be here and our baby's birth will be imminent.

My thoughts turn towards all of the preparations that must be had before we are ready to welcome this new life- both in the physical and mental and emotional realm. Do we have a place for our baby to sleep? What about diapers... will we finally make that decision to try cloth? Do I have clothing ready to dress him in? Am I ready to experience the birth process again? What will my labor be like? How will our other children respond to this new life in our home?

I have had the courage to attempt to ask and answer only a few of these questions up until now. Others I am simply not prepared to begin facing yet.

Pregnancy is truly such a time of varying emotions. It seems that one moment I am loving life and relishing the beautiful life I have been blessed with. While the next moment is spent fretting and tearing up over a remembered encounter with a child during that day that did not go as gently and lovingly as planned.

It seems that there is a corresponding emotional state to nearly each color of the rainbow- the joyful and carefree yellows, the sad and regretful blues, the passionate and angry reds. And often, this full spectrum of feelings can be experienced in a single day or even afternoon.

It seems that it is simply the story of motherhood enhanced and being told in a deeper way than usual.

I've always lamented the disappearance of normal every time a new baby has joined our family. It always pained me to face the reality that things would never again be the same before each child was born. But it always brought me comfort to know that sooner or later we would find our new normal and that once again, family life would resume, albeit in a very different way.

I look forward to the new way of life that awaits us next Spring and patiently wait- three children snuggled in one arm, pregnant belly being gently patted by the other- for our new normal to begin.