This realization was not merely a mental awakening. At the same time I began to feel a tug on my spirit, a call to start a new season of life. I had been, mostly, at home for the last eighteen years, raising, feeding, rocking, washing, reading to and educating my six "babies" (they range from ages 3 to 18 as I write this post) and it felt like living the most beautiful and fulfilling life. But, my children began to grow and become more independent. There were no more babies to rock and my children were blossoming into capable and responsible humans. There were times I wondered if the older children needed me in any capacity at all anymore (this was soul crushing as meeting their needs was all I knew).
I could feel the margins of my life widening. Pretty soon, my afternoons were filled with hours of free time. My evenings felt gloriously open and full of possibilities. Most of my children were tucking themselves into bed. They were bathing themselves and certainly didn't need mama to wash behind their ears. A few of them were even out of the home working at their job. I felt a tug, a call, to fill them with something meaningful.
At first, I thought perhaps a "new hobby" would do. Yes, that was it! Something crafty and useful. But no, that was not enough. Perhaps I could return to blogging full time. Now this was thrilling prospect. But no. I knew there was a need to meet and that the meeting of that need- helping to provide financially for my family- was something I was set on. I could see that the ripple effects of having a bank account that could weather a (even a small) storm and the possibility of that felt too enticing to ignore.
As I sit here today, nearly a year after my "great awakening" I know that God's hand was present in all of this. I can clearly look back on that day when I thought life as I know it was being taken from me and know that God allowed that experience as a catalyst for change. I have to chuckle as I sit here typing, knowing how many beautiful, surprising and humbling things have unfolded since that time.
A few weeks ago were were able to indulge in a magnificent seafood feast at the edge of the water in a coastal town in our state. Walking up to the window at the marina to order our lunch felt different than it ever had before. Being able to order all of that beautiful food- the fried clams and lobster rolls and clam chowder- for our entire family felt like the most glorious prize. As the servers carried the three, overflowing trays of fresh food to our table I could see the smile on my husband's face. As my boys enjoyed their sumptuous lobster rolls, one of them leaned over to me and said, "Mom, this must have cost a fortune". I smiled as I delighted in another bite of my shoestring onion rings and simply smiled. It was such a simple lunch, perhaps routine- one that most families experience regularly. But for our family, it was the most humbling and joyful of experiences. That lunch meant so much to me- it meant that a gap had been filled; a wanting need met. I had realized what it felt like to be a true help meet to my husband after all these years. And this was a role that I delighted in.
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