my great awakening: metamorphosis (part two)

I began to wake up to a reality that had been staring me in the face for nearly two decades. I experienced an enormous disillusionment regarding our family's finances. I suppose if the phrase hadn't already been coined I might be the one to have invented it- "Ignorance is bliss". This seemed to be my motto. For years, I knew we were living on less and that this brought my husband immense physical and mental strain to the point of him experiencing severe insomnia due to the weight of it all. I had felt embarrassed at many points during my adult life when asked about the cost of our town's taxes, our mortgage, of this and that. I never knew the answer. I didn't know because I didn't want to know.

Growing up in a family where daily disputes revolving around money and the spending of it are etched into my consciousness, money was the proverbial elephant in the room. It was the toy buried in the back of the closet that I never wanted to play with. Perhaps it was too spooky or strange. Either way, I knew I was the one to hide it there.

Year and years of living aloof was my "happy place". Being unencumbered by the weight of our family's finances made me feel so carefree. I have searched my soul and I think I can honestly say that I didn't even feel guilty about it. I was responsible in every other area of my life, perhaps every good adult had one area where they were "checked out" I secretly thought.

I suppose I went into some sort of protective cocoon where I was cushioned and protected from the stress of it all. My sacred silky space was where I liked living best.

It took an immense amount of courage for me to unravel myself and emerge to my present circumstances. Ironically, I has always preached the slogan "embrace your reality", yet I myself was too much of a coward to do so. I had obviously gone into some sort of protective cocoon where I was cushioned and protected from the stress of it all. My sacred silky space was where I liked living best.

Once my eyes were opened I knew I could never unsee what I did. Never again would I be able to return to the safety of my blissful cocoon because, well, I was a responsible human and now I was met with something that called me up to higher ground. I was faced with something that I had perfected meeting over and over and over again during my years as a mother. Something that I instinctively knew how to solve. I was met with a need.

Waking up to a truth can be a scary thing. I felt the fear, but I also felt the freedom and joy of stepping into the light. I was an expert at meeting needs. This felt comfortable.