Thursday, April 29, 2010

bump in the road

So there has been a bump in the road on this pregnancy journey and it has hit so, so close to the arrival of this baby that I think I will be just fine.

I have officially put on bed rest by my midwife. No cooking, no cleaning, no chasing after children, running errands, yard work and the like. This pretty much means that my entire life has come to a standstill.

I got the news on Tuesday morning and was a bit surprised by the severity of it all but am really trying to keep a good perspective and have realized that two weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things to lay low with the promise of a healthy, beautiful baby at the end of it all.

We have been blessed with a very supportive family both near and far who have already stepped in and provided meals, help around the house and with the children.

My mother in law drove down from New Hampshire today to pick up all three children and take them back home for three days. It was difficult to give up the control of mothering and looking out for my little ones, but I know it is what I need to be able to rest right now.

The house is so very quiet and still and everything that is set down in it's place has actually remained there. It is mind boggling.

The thing that has struck me the most is how myself, and I'm sure many of us, place so much of our worth and identity in how much we can produce and accomplish during the day. I myself thrive on productivity and can count a good day by how many checks I have put on my mental to-do list.

This is such a harmful mindset to take because in situations like the one I find myself in, when one is not producing a darn thing, it is easy to feel like a failure and an inadequate human being.

I have spent a good bit of time in prayer and in talking about this with my amazing husband and it seems that this burden has been lifted and I am feeling quite content and at peace with simply doing what my body needs right now- rest, rest and more rest.

I cannot begin to tell you how relaxed I feel and how the racing thoughts that, just days ago, were propelling me through my days have slowed down to a pace that have lent themselves to an opportunity to really experience them. It feels good to have a quiet mind and relaxed body, especially at 38 weeks pregnant.

I was hesitant to put all of this out there but knew that I could not stay in hiding for long. I sort of feel like a failure for not having the ability to maintain the status quo of my lifestyle up until the very moment that my body starts to begin the birth process. I just thought I would be able to keep on keeping on and that I would slow down only once the baby came.

So instead of feeling shameful, disappointed and down-trodden by my new pace of life I will try to focus on the tiny lessons that have already learned- lessons about letting go of control and blocking out the deafening shouts of our culture telling me to keep busy and just keep pushing through it all.

I hope that I can share a bit in this space over the next few days and weeks about my experience until one day when I am no longer writing about bed rest, pregnancy and slowing down and instead am posting photos and stories of my birth and our new baby!


Jill (Kristen's cousin) said...

love and blessings to you Jill. how wonderful to quiet your mind and heart and connect with your husband and baby before he is in your arms.

daniele @ domestic serenity said...

what incredible honesty, I applaud you from here! I can relate to many of your thoughts. Hope you continue to find peace in the resting and being--may you look back on the short season as a gift.

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, I know how hard it is to accept, but this is a true blessing to be still and present, preparing for yet another miracle, saving your reserves for the big day. Love to you, friend. Too bad they can't put you on bedrest AFTER he comes! Much better!

Nancy said...

Hope that you have some time of reflection, some time to yourself that you won't have when baby gets here. Take good care of yourself~

Shannon said...

Thanks for the post. I too am at the end of my maternity and, although I am not on official bed rest, back and abdomen pain has rendered me immobile. Not able to care for my 2year old and home has made me a little antsy to say the least. Thank you for sharing your thoughts during this experience. It makes me feel a little normal at a really crazy time for me. God bless and good luck.

-Shannon (Eileen's friend)