Monday, May 21, 2007

Rearranging Reality

To say that I cleared my head would not be quite true. It was more like rearranging my bedroom furniture. Still the same space, same furniture, same dust bunnies rolling around under your bed, but a new VIEW! That's what happened to me last night after I decided to head out into the fresh air and walk until I felt like coming home. I came home with a new perspective.

I left the house tired, confused and in need of some real, deep and meaningful conversation (what was I planning to do, stop a stranger on the street and talk their ear off?). And what started as a simple walk turned into a house call to a dear girlfriend, a chance meeting with a family from church and an opportunity to run as I watched the sun start to set.

My body felt limber and strong as I walked the side streets and main road of our town. The old houses looked different from so close. Usually I only get a quick glimpse as I'm barreling by in my mini-van, usually trying to answer the questions that the kids pose to the universe (inevitably I end up answering them!!!).

I could feel my breathing start to become more natural- deep, clear and uninhibited (in other words no gasps like when I watch my 13-month old almost teeter off of the top stair in our staircase OR no holding my breath like when I can feel my frustration and irritation start to brew as I learn that my older two got into the sugar bowl and spilled it during my already quick and frantic morning shower). I felt invigorated, yet calm. I felt free.

For the last leg of my course, I actually started to run. Thoughts of returning home before dark are what propelled my legs to go and my arms to pump me forward. I thought, "I'll just run to the corner up ahead", but once I started I didn't want to stop.

Normally when I try to run (usually prompted by Mike's encouragement to "just try it"!) I feel like it is very much forced and unnatural for my body to move in that way.
But this time felt different. I realized that the difference was that this time
I was running TO something. I had a destination, a goal, a place where someONE was waiting for me
(my beloved). I was running for the sake of getting somewhere, not just going through the
motions for the sake of doing it.

I thought of motherhood (and many other things in life) and how there is so much meaning in the details. I thought of how important it is to be in the moment, no matter what that moment may be (whether you're changing a diaper, reading to your children or having the same old conversation with someone who tends to repeat themself). I learned, from my short, but very fulfilling run, that it is VITAL to have a destination, a goal a place to run to. Otherwise, life can be a series of meaningless going-through-the-motions moments. And although you can say "Oh, I did this or that or the other thing" you still really don't know the meaning that lies in doing those things. In the end, you may come out with a long, checked-off "to do" list, but there is no lesson learned, no joy, no satisfaction.
Perhaps I should get out more often for these post-dinner expeditions...


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