My Dignity

I discovered something today. Something I never knew I had. Once I found it, I wasn't even sure if I would use it.

I thought what better place for a confession than my blog, right? Please don't judge me when I tell you that today, for the first time, I used the LOCK on my bathroom door.

It was kind of freeing, but scary at the same time.

The baby was asleep. The big kids were occupied downstairs. I figured it was a way to put the ball in my court. If they needed me, they could come and knock. Perhaps, at worst, they would try and rattle to door knob. I highly doubted they would charge the door.

No matter what though, they could not come IN to the bathroom.

How dignifying! A bathing experience where my children didn't see me dripping wet AND nude.

I think I'll try this again tomorrow...

digging

I go through this every Spring. Should I or shouldn't I (attempt to) plant a garden?
If you've ever read my profile, you know that my ideal backyard contains two experiences: a clothesline and a garden.
Now, a clothesline I've never had. I just love the idea of hanging my sheets, clothing and other cloth items out to be blown and sun-shined dry by the natural elements. I grew up with a clothesline in my backyard, and although I often protested the stiffness of air-dried sheets, the overall aroma of sunshine in my bed at night won me over.
The garden. Now that I have had before. I think it was the second summer in our old house. I remember being hesitant because I really didn't know how to plant, what to plant or how to care for these luscious fruits and vegetables that I imagined growing in my backyard.
Overall, it was a success. I'll admit, a few vegetables were burnt up by the sun due to my lack of watering and delay in picking them at just-the-right time.
So when I had the idea to plant another garden the next spring, my husband was supportive, yet realistic. Would I have the time? Do I have to energy to put into this bed of greenery? I didn't think I could do it, so I gave up.
Now here we are, six years later, in a new house with a postage stamp-sized backyard and I am still dreaming of that garden.
The homesteader in me imagines my backyard to be a place where the needs of my family can be met by what we grow/raise/do on our land. I'll admit that I've often fantasized about living in that "Little House on the Prairie", chickens and all!
But it's always the same debate: realism versus idealism.
A dear friend of mine just gave me several packets of seeds: Sugar Snap peas, Butterhead lettuce, carrots and watermelon. Should I take this as a sign to "go for it"? For now they are tacked to my bulletin board awaiting their fate. I think they just might be in for a wild ride!

Welcome to My World

Monk's sand art project ruined by toddler

Have you heard the latest news?

Eight Tibetan monks spent eight days on their knees meticulously piecing together a sand art project, called a mandala

, as an expression of their Buddhist faith at Union Station in Kansas City, MO. The monks were more than half way through with their project, when a curious toddler slipped under the ropes and trampled on their masterpiece.
The monks were not angry and responded in a very "Zen" fashion saying that they would just have to work harder to finish the project.

All I have to say to these poor monks is WELCOME TO MY WORLD (folded laundry, stacked DVDs, freshly made bed, make-up case, my lunch, my books/magazines/notepads, my phone calls, need I go on?)!!!

Curiosity Killed the School Books

Often times the hardest part of homeschooling is not having a worksheet, quiz or checked-off to-do list at the end of the day. Even on the days when the "books" don't make their way off the bookshelf and onto the sofa or counter top, there is so much LEARNING that has taken place.
Today was a full day. More than half of the day was spent outdoors, partly in our own yard (front and back) and partly in the yard of some new-found friends (fellow homeschoolers, with three little ones. What is it with these homeschooling families being large? Are we trying to follow the stereotypes??). The other half of the day was divided between some "official" homeschooling (sitting on the sofa completing "Lesson 82" in her reading lessons book), a library DVD, lots of snacking and massive amounts of artwork (mainly painting).
As you can see, a day in the life of a homeschooler is COMPLETELY different from that of a day in the life of most non-homeschoolers. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I am cracking the whip and really producing lots of "work" (because of course that's what we measure a child's learning by right?).
So, for my own satisfaction (and defense!) I would like to compile a list of the things my children learned/discovered TODAY:

• how to slice their own apricots using a knife
• what a "Jew's harp" is (trust me, this was a new one for me also)
• the story of "Tom Sawyer" and how he convinced his friend to whitewash the fence for him (I could see the wheels turning in Sophia's head as she heard about how his buddies actually paid HIM to do HIS work... I can just imagine the idea that was put into her little brain)
• who their "neighbor" is based upon the story of "The Good Samaritan"
• how to count using chocolate chips and pretzel sticks (okay, Nicolas missed "16" and went right to "18", but wow, what an effort)
• what termites are and how sesame seed-covered almonds can be used as stand-ins for these nasty little critters
• why you should always let an adult spray the bugspray on a windy afternoon ("Aaahhh, Daddy, my eyes!!!")
• that metal turns to liquid when melted and that you can mold into into virtually ANY shape you wish to
• that coyotes actually live in the woods across the street from us AND what they look like and sound like (extremely interesting yet also oh-so terrifying for them)
• that Mommy likes to take walks at just about the same time that they are due to be tucked in to bed ("Oh, I guess it's Daddy's turn to put you to bed tonight")

Whew, I feel much better now. The beauty of allowing the world around you to be your classroom is that the discovery never ends. Oh, and by the way, there's no curriculum for teaching children to be curious. They just some how know to seek answers on their own!!

Rearranging Reality

To say that I cleared my head would not be quite true. It was more like rearranging my bedroom furniture. Still the same space, same furniture, same dust bunnies rolling around under your bed, but a new VIEW! That's what happened to me last night after I decided to head out into the fresh air and walk until I felt like coming home. I came home with a new perspective.

I left the house tired, confused and in need of some real, deep and meaningful conversation (what was I planning to do, stop a stranger on the street and talk their ear off?). And what started as a simple walk turned into a house call to a dear girlfriend, a chance meeting with a family from church and an opportunity to run as I watched the sun start to set.

My body felt limber and strong as I walked the side streets and main road of our town. The old houses looked different from so close. Usually I only get a quick glimpse as I'm barreling by in my mini-van, usually trying to answer the questions that the kids pose to the universe (inevitably I end up answering them!!!).

I could feel my breathing start to become more natural- deep, clear and uninhibited (in other words no gasps like when I watch my 13-month old almost teeter off of the top stair in our staircase OR no holding my breath like when I can feel my frustration and irritation start to brew as I learn that my older two got into the sugar bowl and spilled it during my already quick and frantic morning shower). I felt invigorated, yet calm. I felt free.

For the last leg of my course, I actually started to run. Thoughts of returning home before dark are what propelled my legs to go and my arms to pump me forward. I thought, "I'll just run to the corner up ahead", but once I started I didn't want to stop.

Normally when I try to run (usually prompted by Mike's encouragement to "just try it"!) I feel like it is very much forced and unnatural for my body to move in that way.

But this time felt different. I realized that the difference was that this time
I was running TO something. I had a destination, a goal, a place where someONE was waiting for me
(my beloved). I was running for the sake of getting somewhere, not just going through the
motions for the sake of doing it.

I thought of motherhood (and many other things in life) and how there is so much meaning in the details. I thought of how important it is to be in the moment, no matter what that moment may be (whether you're changing a diaper, reading to your children or having the same old conversation with someone who tends to repeat themself). I learned, from my short, but very fulfilling run, that it is VITAL to have a destination, a goal a place to run to. Otherwise, life can be a series of meaningless going-through-the-motions moments. And although you can say "Oh, I did this or that or the other thing" you still really don't know the meaning that lies in doing those things. In the end, you may come out with a long, checked-off "to do" list, but there is no lesson learned, no joy, no satisfaction.
Perhaps I should get out more often for these post-dinner expeditions...

Bragging Rights (Right?)

I would like to reserve the right to brag for a moment about our "Baby Bird", Elias James. He is a delightful 13-months old now... he has entered into his teenager-baby months. Mike and I both agree that he is fully loaded: equipped with a spunky, yet content personality, an incredible sense of humor (he seems to know what will be perceived as funny to all humans surrounding him), a keen sense of finding mischief and opportunities for folly and a charm that only a "baby of the family" could have. We are enjoying him SO much.
My husband has definitely broken one of the unspoken rules of parenthood and shows (perhaps unknowingly) an obvious favor and interest in this child (not in that he ignores the other two, but Elias' doings blip so much more sensitively onto his radar screen that the rest of us in this house! A radar screen, which I might add, is sometimes hard to penetrate!!).
If I may, I'd like to ( just this once because I've never done it) list a few of our baby's latest feats. I promise to state the truth and to not overdramatize in the least bit any of his amazing accomplishments, um, I mean milestones:

• He is sleeping through the night. 12 hours of sweet, uninterrupted sleep. (Need I say more?)
• Elias is able to imitate 5 animal sounds (sheep, cat, dog, cow, bird), one vehicle (an airplane), the sound of someone pooping, and knows where God lives (he just points UP). He of course has an extensive vocabulary including key words like "mama", "dada", "uh-oh", "up" and just so many more that I barely have the time to list them right now (he just seems to have an ear for things like sound, perhaps he will find himself excelling in the field of music someday)
  
• He disposes of his own dirty diapers in the appropriate bin (well who would want a lazy baby who didn't pick up after himself after all? Certainly not I.)
  
• Is learning to master use of spoon and fork, albeit while simultaneously splattering himself and the kitchen with food debris (but he's just a "baby", how can we expect more of such a young thing)
• Cooperates during dressing sessions, such as willingly adding arm to armholes of shirts and onesis. Also mastered stepping OUT of pants today (what mama wouldn't be proud of such athleticism?)
• Enjoys reading books and has been found, on more than one occasion, flipping through the "big kid books" in our book crate (and it really seems like he is trying to pull out major plot points while he manages to rip out those flimsy pages of the library books)
• And finally, and yes (and I just told my mother-in-law this morning that I WOULDN'T share this information based on the fact the virtually NO ONE would believe me) he has begun POTTY TRAINING himself. He is showing great interest in doing his you-know-what on the potty. Just this morning he called out "poopoo" from his high chair, only to head straight to the bathroom and attempt to do his tinkles on the big-boy potty (I said "attempt". This experience did however end in his first "accident". BUT I do believe it was MY mistake, if only I had unfastened those darn "FLEXIES" from his Pampers a bit faster, perhaps he would have made it to the seat. For you see, he was ready, and it was I who failed HIM. I'll try and meet his needs better next time...)

So, I hope you understand that this is just a SHORT list of the amazing skills, I mean normal developmental stages, that Elias has hit. I won't bore you with any more details. Just know that we as parents promise that just because Elias is the "baby of our family" that we will treat him with the same amount of attention and accalade that our older two have received from us. Of course except when his behavior, vocabulary and personal skills border on that of brilliance!!!!!!

What Am I?

I don't know whether it was an encouragement or a statement to make me stop in my tracks and THINK, but anyway, my husband called me a "hippie" this morning! Okay, let me back up. I had to make a 9 am doctor's appointment and let me say that "9 am" comes pretty quickly when you have three mouths to feed, two bodies to clothe and one bottom to clean. Something had to give and the only thing I could reasonably omit was my shower. When I came downstairs and told Mike that I hadn't had the chance to shower he said, "Oh, well, you're a hippie anyways".
I asked him if he was serious and he said that he partly was. We had a mini conversation about which aspects of my/our lives gave us hippie status. Mike wittily rambled off three pretty valid reasons: our beliefs in regards to how we eat, our homeschooling dynamic and the fact that I practice extended breastfeeding (I was really impressed! He was really on point with some of our core values as a family. Yeah Mike!).
We had a good laugh and then out the door I went (leaving him behind with those same three little mouths). But I have kept playing his statement over and over in my head today. At times laughing about it and at other times really contemplating about what exactly defined a "hippie" and wondering if being one was something that I wanted to be.
First let me post a disclaimer: I have many friends who would fall under the category of "hippie", my parents are former "hippies" and over the weekend helped a very "hippie dippie" (as they called themselves) couple give birth to their baby. So, I know and love many present and past free spirits.
So, I thought it would be fun to make a list, sort of like a "pros" and "cons" list when you are trying to make an important decision. Warning: more information may be revealed than you wish to know. If you wish to know, then read on. If not, outclick now and pretend I just ended the post by saying that I have since gotten over and forgot all about the hippie statement.

On one hand, I have given my kids raw milk and seeing them eat
raw fruits and veggies makes me giddy.
But on the other hand, I have a pack of hamburgers in my fridge and
have good intent to feed them to my family tomorrow night (I eat "flesh").

On one hand, I believe in the power of breastfeeding and currently
have 45 months (and counting!) of cumulative breastfeeding experience from nursing my three children (a "lactivist" of sorts).
But on the other hand, I DO wear a bra.

On one hand, I have gone against the "system" and kept my child out
of school so that I can educate her in the way that I see fit.
But on the other hand, I really like having a "system" in place for doing just about EVERYTHING!

On one hand, I think of my home as a place of exploration, a place for
my chlidren to experiment and grow by trying new things.
But on the other hand, I try to keep the experimentation within limits and really
dislike when their explorations end up on my kitchen floor. ("Now kids you can create ANYTHING you want with your homeade playdough... just as long as you don't get any on the floor!").

On one hand, I love exploring the world around me, visiting new places, meeting
and talking with interesting people and trying new and exotic cuisine.
But on the other hand, I will do any of these activites just as long as I have clear and consice directions to my destination AND I can safely return home in time for naptime or bedtime (yah, real free-spirited Jill!).

So, as you can see, I am probably not what most would consider free-spirited. Anyone who knows me well knows that "sweeping" would probably fall under my category of "hobbies" based on how much time I spend doing it. I also really enjoy hospital corners on the beds that I make and am a real stickler about only going to bed when my kitchen sink is shining. I really don't think that I fit nicely and neatly into ANY one stereotype/category (although I am probably falling quite nicely under the category of "total OCD" right now). It's kind of silly to try to change myself just so that someone has a title to slap on my head, right? So for now, you can just call me "un-bathed" (yeah, I still didn't get that shower. Tomorrow's a new day right?).

Thirty Until Thirty

Not that I really want to get an official countdown going, but I just thought it was fun to think that in THIRTY days I will turn THIRTY years old! This has been a really fun year for myself and a bunch of good girlfriends because we're all turning thirty within months of each other (it's like watching dominoes fall and knock each other down one by one... "Oh, there goes another one"!).
I wonder how to spend the next 30 days while I'm still in my "twenties"??

The Change Will Do Me Good

We've hit some major milestones around here lately. And I'm not sure which of the two have been more fulfilling: a "grown-ups" weekend away OR my baby bird (Elias) sleeping through the night. It's pretty amazing that BOTH of these events occurred at the same time. But then again, as a parent, you just HAVE TO expect the unexpected!
Mike and I spent the weekend away in Boston. He was part of his best friend's wedding and I was the lucky guest on his arm. We had dinner out and went to a comedy club on Friday night with the rest of the guests who would be attending the wedding on Saturday afternoon. We decided to use up every spare minute of our trip (you know, make the most of our kid-free weekend) and managed to fit in an amazing little visit to Boston's North End on Saturday morning. It was a breath of fresh air to stroll the narrow, cobble-stoned streets of such a historic city. We peered into every Italian bistro, bakery and cheese store we passed. We even fit in a little bit of history as we followed the "Freedom Trail" and visited "The Paul Revere House" and the "Old North Church". It was like a mini-vacation to my most-coveted vacation destination: ITALY.

By the time we returned home on Sunday afternoon we were VERY ready to see Sophia, Nicolas and Elias.

And although the children were thrilled to see us, Nicolas later
admitted that he had "forgotten about" us. How sad! I asked him, "Well, why
did you think you were staying at Auntie's house?"He told me he thought that
he just lived there!!

What kind of kick-in-the-pants to motherhood is that? My heart just about sunk (as I chuckled) and thought (pathetically) about all the time I've committed to being at home with my children, reading to them, bathing them, giving them stimulating and creative ways to express themselves through play (instead of flicking on the TV for a bit of Barney), feeding them wholesome food (in my head it's always healthy, I think I tried to forget about the munchkin donuts I was tossing to them in the car 2 weeks ago!), snuggling and kissing them, forsaking all other activities between the hours of 7 am and 7 pm. Was it all really worth it? Did they even care that I have been "at home" for them? Before I started a major pity-party (half-heartedly, while the other half of my heart just laughed at how simple and innocent children's minds/hearts can be) about not making a difference in my children's lives, I quickly thought about the positive side of Nicolas' statement.

"Wait, maybe I'm actually a GOOD MOTHER! Maybe my children are independent and secure and know how much their parents love them EVEN WHEN THEY'RE OUT OF THEIR SIGHT! Maybe, just maybe, I don't need my children to fall apart every time I step out of the room to know that THEY LOVE ME!"

Now this was encouraging, just the type of moral boost that I needed after 48 hours away from my children.

Now, about that OTHER milestone, you know the one about Elias learning to self-soothe and put himself back to sleep at night... If you have read my post "Still Waiting" you know that I have been blessed with (okay, plagued with) children (mainly these boys!) who just love to wake up and nurse at night. I was patiently waiting for Elias to join the ranks of his sleeping-through-the-night brother and sister, but I certainly wasn't holding my breath over it. Well, thanks to my mother, who joyfully cared for Elias while we were away, we came home to some good news: ELIAS HAD SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT. I guess it's like the old saying, "Out of sight, Out of mind". I was thrilled with the fact yet secretly feared that once WE were home that he would go back to his old ways (maybe he would be able to just smell me from down the hall and that would trigger a waking). But after two nights on our own now, I can say with confidence that it is the real deal (props to Nannie)- Elias is, indeed, sleeping through the night. I think the change will do me good.

VANITY (is not) FAIR (skinned)

I admit, my vanity got the better of me yesterday. I have been thinking about it for a month now and talking about it (with my sister) for about a week. And now, it's official. I have been SPRAYED TAN.
Well, I know! But before you judge (or laugh out loud) let me explain myself.

• I have been indoors for over 6 months now and my skin has turned to a pasty yellow of sorts (that's what happens to olive-skinned folk during the winter months. Yes, yellow.)
• I have an issue with moles (or as my Mom used to call them, "beauty marks- it sounds nicer than "moles") and can no longer risk sunning myself like I used to during my high school and college days (I had a dermatologist look at me recently during a skin check and reply, "Yep, you've got a lot of moles". I should have saved myself the co-pay!!!)
• I am attending a wedding on Saturday during which I will be bearing a bit of chest and arms (don't worry, I said a "bit") and everyone there will be extremely tan (well, at least the bride and groom) and I didn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.
• And by gosh darn-it, I'm worth it (or that's what I'm told by the media at least)!!!!!
  

Two main funny parts of this story: First, my kids watched the "informational video" with me online as to how to prepare, receive and exit the spray tan session ("Mommy, why is she wearing a shower cap? And what are those things in her nose?" "Oh, honey, that's so the DHA from the tanning lotion doesn't stain her hair and clog her lungs"). Second, all I could think of while I was in that booth was the "Friends" episode when Ross accidentally got sprayed on the same side TWICE by the spray tan machine! Thankfully, I'm done on both sides.
So, for anyone out there who is looking for a healthy way to glow/tan without the stress of doing it yourself/missing spots/streaking, look no further... just go get sprayed!

Are You Hungry?

Often times, it is during the night when I have either my most insightful OR my most frightful ideas/thoughts. Everything seems magnified and intensified for me in the middle of the night. It is during this time that I often play over conversations that I had during that day and critique my responses or statements harshly. I am my own worst critic. It is also during the night that I have had moments of brilliance and creativity. And if I am very still and very attentive, it is also during this time that I can hear the whisper of the voice of my Father God prompting me in ways that He would desire to see me go. Most people may not have a regular opportunity to experience these middle-of-the-night revelations like I do. But then again most people are sleeping at 2:30am. I guess you have to either be plagued by insomnia OR be breastfeeding a baby (these nursers never seem to follow the "books" on when they should start sleeping through the night) in order to be blessed by these opportunities!
Last night was one of those nights when I heard God's voice.

He wasn't shouting. Nor hammering me over the head. He wasn't scolding me for how long it's been since I haven't picked up His Word and read His letter to me. No. Instead He was gently prompting me. Asking me, "Are you hungry?". Before I had a chance to answer, He reminded me that Jesus is the BREAD OF LIFE.

How did He know that I was spiritually hungry? I am doing just fine. I've really been holding it together these days. My house is in order. My kids are happy. My husband is being supported and loved. BUT, have I been doing these all on my own might (I tend to be very strong and capable in this sense... you know, being big on checking things off of my to-do list)?
I found the verses in John 6 today that talk about the WORK that is required of us. I have always loved the story of Mary and Martha. Martha the "doer", the hostess with the most-est, the neat-freak, the perfectionist, the by-the-book hospitality giver. And Mary, the slacker, the lazy sister, the one who loves the party but none of the work that has to go into it to get to the point of sitting down to enjoy it (my initial take on her!). I always identified with Martha, the one who does the work. The one who is responsible and knows how to take care of others. And there has always been one thing about this story that I didn't get. In the end, Martha scolds Mary for not pitching in. And then gets Jesus involved and says something like, "This is so not fair. I'm stuck in the kitchen and Mary is sitting at your feet doing nothing!!". Jesus reminds Martha that "only one thing is needed". I got the gist of what Jesus was saying... sit at my feet, enjoy me, love me and learn from me, but I never really knew the exact fill-in-the-blank answer. What is the ONE thing that is needed?
Well, I think I found the answer in John 6:29. The disciples ask Jesus,

"What must we do to do the work God requires?" Jesus answers, "The work of God is this: TO BELIEVE IN THE ONE HE HAS SENT." That's it? THE work of God is not serving others, or hosting parties or making food for the hungry? No (these things are good, but not the "one thing that is needed"). THE work of God is to simply believe in Jesus. He goes on to say in verse 35 that he "is the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will NEVER go hungry, and whoever believes in me will NEVER be thirsty." NEVER. EVER.

It is a dry and barren land that we live in. It is often times cruel and demanding. But we mustn't ever stop doing "the work of God" and coming to sit at the feet of the one who will always feed and water us. How refreshing...